I want to forget. I want to escape. I want my life back in order. What is going to happen to me?


Trauma can be described as an extremely stressful, overwhelming, and distressing event in which a person experiences in some form the threat of danger, injury or death. As a normal response to trauma, a person may experience a wide range of feelings and reactions, called Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)
Sexual assault is a trauma. A person who has been sexually assaulted may similarly experience a series of feeling and reactions to the assault. This is commonly referred to as Rape Trauma Syndrome (RTS)

A person may feel shock, disbelief, embarrassment, shame, guilt, fear, anger, betrayal, depression, powerlessness, disorientation,  flashbacks, denial

As you can probably tell I have made bold some of these feelings and the reason why I have done so is because those are the feelings I feel. So I'll be going over those in more detail.

Fear
I don't want to be alone
I don't want to be in crowds
I'm scared of the places, people, things
that remind me of the assault
I'm scared of others finding out and
what they will of me
I'm afraid of my own rage
I have a hard time going to sleep
I have nightmares

Anger
I'm fed up with society and the system
I feel so resentful of the total disruption to my life

Depression
I feel so tired and hopeless

Powerlessness
I feel like it will never get better

Disorientation
I can't sit still
I have trouble getting through the day
I feel overwhelmed!
I can't handle being alone right now

Flashbacks
It keeps playing over and over in my head

* I've gotten this information from a pamphlet called Survivor I got from my psychologist

I wanna talk about this topic for a while because i think it  is something worth talking about. As I speak it may be possible that someone may be going through this. It is very tough having to deal with this. Sometimes after a person is raped they may be killed and if they aren't they most likely wish they had been killed. Often this leads to corruption of the mind, shattered dreams, regret, resentment towards everyone and everything, depression, prostitution, and well sometimes suicide. Whatever the case have it known that it's never easy speaking of such events especially for the person who's experienced this for fear that they may be seen as indifferent, unworthy, and as disgusting so they rather keep such things to themselves. What's even worse about such events is that sometimes the person who abused of them was a relative, a close family friend, or someone they felt rather save with. When such person does something like this they bring our hopes down and our devotions   we once had or felt. After all the person ever feels is empty and miserable and nothing seems to matter. Even when someone does show that they care not just because of their words but also because of their actions it is hard for that person to believe it or capture it because they think they will just be hurt again. And it's like this for their entire life always living with this memory wishing to wake up from it but are stuck with it for life because this is reality. Their horrifying reality. And truth is I myself have gone through this and until this moment there's times that I feel like I'm not worth anything in this world. There's times that my state of being comes tumbling down. I get depressed and sometimes I feel like I can't breathe because I get small clips in my head of what happened that day. There's been times I feel like hanging myself and what not. I fear that no one can ever be there for me no matter how much they try. I fear that everyone will leave me one day or another and I'll have to go through life alone. *sigh* I've kept all this inside me until now. Why now? I really don't know but I'll have to say because I am tired of having this inside me because I feel that people need to know about it so they'll be careful who they're trusting. Sometimes it's hard to speak up but thing is that if it is kept inside it will only kill us inside. So I've decided to open up and let it be known. I was abused or raped as you call it by my aunt's husband when I was younger. My parents would drop  me off every morning at my aunt's house to take care of me not knowing of what I was dealing with and my aunt wouldn't notice because she'd often leave to the store and leave me and my cousin to the custody of her husband while she was gone and thats where everything began. He would take a hold of me and would start touching me and eventually would up with his penis my vagina. Makes me gag just saying this. But I have to continue on for my own sake and everyone else who's gone through this. Of course I never told my aunt because since I was a child back then and he was an adult he threatened to do something to my family if I told (as most do) and I of course believed him and so I didn't tell my aunt about it. So I always lived in fear  and every time I was dropped off I knew what was in store.  And so this is how I spent most of my childhood until we finally moved out and my mom could take charge of me. And that's pretty much all. It's very difficult to talk about this but it's worth it. And if you're someone who's gone through this or are going through this don't you think it's about time you spoke about it? The sooner you do it the better you'll feel. Maybe it'll be hard at first but you'll manage. It's time to put an end to this if it's barely starting. Something can still be done about it. And if  you're someone who experienced this a long time ago then obviously there's no way to erase it but it always helps to talk about it and let others know about it so they'll be careful not to fall into the same thing. Also it's good if you go to a professional to get help. And if you don't wanna talk because you're afraid of what people would say don't worry about it there is no reason for anyone to judge you about it because you didn't do anything wrong and it can happen to anyone. I will be starting this thursday, hopefully it'll go okay. But please do me and yourself the favor to speak about it to someone trust me it's for your own good and it will help you feel better. Little by little you will. As you keep letting it out you'll start to feel a little better than before. And plus as you probably have realized it affects your health and well being when your bottled up. Believe me now I wish I had talked about it sooner.It would've really made a difference. But I guess now all I can do is just talk about it since I can't change the fact that it happened. And maybe in the future I can help others out once I've had some help myself. Well guess that's it for now. Remember TALKING ABOUT IT RELIEVES THE SOUL.
-love, dee